Gosh, I’m so tired.

Honestly, it’s so ridiculous. I’m just so tired! The night before last, I only got 5 hours of sleep–but we all had a 2 hour nap, so it wasn’t so bad. Last night, I got like 12 hours of sleep! I woke up feeling.. well.. refreshed. Awake. But at the half-way point, I felt so tired and drained again (could be because I had a decent-sized meal, though–some soup, half a sandwich and a couple of chips). It’s ridiculous and frustrating 😦

Good news is I’m not peeing every five seconds, anymore 🙂

But still, all tests are negative. Since af is due any day, now, I’m relatively positive it’s going to stay that way.  Even though I’m excited because that means IVF/PGD will be going ahead in November, as planned, I still wish.. well.. I still wish we could have done this on our own 😦 I feel like such a failure 😦 I’ve never, EVER had any problems getting pregnant, before–and now.. I just.. can’t 😦

Sigh.

Anyway, still waiting on a response regarding PGD. In all honesty, though, I think we’re probably going to just cycle here in California. Not missing work is a HUGE concern of mine and vacation would only cover one cycle and, if that one wasn’t successful, we’d kinda be screwed having to go to subsequent ones 😦

What to do, what to do…

Sweet

So I have potentially found a place for IVF that is so affordable, we wouldn’t have to take out a loan and sell our first born :p

CNY Fertility Center. Really, the rates are amazing, there’s a refund program, apparently they’re pretty good… the only thing is I don’t yet know if they offer PGD, if they offer PGD for gender determination and, if so, how much their PGD is.  I’ve emailed requesting more information! This is so exciting!

Really, even flying to NY ($300.00 for my husband and I, each, our two youngest I have no idea how much they would be–probably the same) so that’s $1,200.00–and hotel (they have affiliates! Can you believe it?) is quoted at $45 a night, so that’s about $450.00 (assuming it’s the same time frame that we were quoted for somewhere else I can’t remember). Meals probably the same (or close), so we’ll just assume that flight would be $1,200.00 and food and lodging would be about $1,200.00. That’s $2,400.00–and even including that–and for up to 4 cycles, no less!–that’s such a significant savings! Unless, of course, the first cycle isn’t successful. Then there’s the whole “missing work” thing 😦

Regardless, it just boils down to the whole PGD aspect of the whole thing.

Anyway, just wanted to drop a quick update 🙂 Hope you are all well!

ETA: The rates taken from CNY Fertility Center‘s website:

$6,000*
• Up to 2 IVF cycles.
• $3,000 deposit at date of baseline.
• 12 months interest free financing.
• $250 monthly payment deducted from credit/debit card.
• If a pregnancy is achieved prior to 2nd cycle, contract is completed.

$9,000*
• Up to 4 IVF cycles.
• $4,500 deposit at date of baseline.
• 12 months interest free financing.
• $375 monthly payment deducted from credit/debit card.
• If a pregnancy is achieved prior to 4th cycle, contract is completed.

$13,500*
• Up to 6 IVF cycles.
• $6,750 deposit at date of baseline.
• 12 months interest free financing.
• $562.50 monthly payment deducted from credit/debit card.
• If a pregnancy is achieved prior to 6th cycle, contract is completed.

*This program includes Anesthesia, ICSI, Assisted Hatching, Retrieval, Embryo Transfer, storage of frozen embryos and FET cycles for one year Patient is responsible for all labs, ultrasounds and medications. We will bill insurance for monitoring and accept what insurance pays minus the co-pays, co-insurances and deductibles. If patient has frozen embryos, they must be used prior to proceeding with the next fresh IVF cycle.

Ow

My uterus is killing me. As is my lower back. AND I AM SO TIRED!!!

Honestly, you would think that those were pregnancy symptoms, wouldn’t you? But no–all tests are still completely negative. And it’s like–hypothetically–10 dpo. Well, my hypothetical Ovulation d: According to calculators, I ovulated June 30th (according to one calculator) and the other says “some time between June 30th and July 5th”.

So lets hypothetically say that I ovulated on June 30th. We had unprotected, vaginal intercourse only 3 days in June. June 25th, 27th, 28th. Assuming I ovulated on the far spectrum–the 5th of July–we had unprotected, vaginal intercourse only the 6th.

So assuming I ovulated, those God-awful cramps I was feeling on the 3rd of July.. couldn’t have possibly been implantation cramps. That would have been too close to my “ovulation” date. And they absolutely felt too severe for Ovulation cramps–but let’s assume they were–if they were, we completely missed ovulation because the 6th was way too far from the 3rd.

My period was also ridiculously long. 6 days. Six! The 17th through the 22nd.

Yeah. I don’t know what’s up with my body. I wouldn’t mind being pregnant–especially if we were having a girl (har har)–but now that I know 100% we are going to go ahead with IVF/PGD in November if I’m not, well.. it’s hard to want to be, if you know what I mean. Especially since I am 100% positive it would be neither twins, nor a girl 😦 Both things we want.

So of course, I probably am. Well.. not really–all tests are still absolutely negative at 10dpo (I usually am able to test between 8 and 11dpo in the past)

Ah, well. It’s in God’s hands. We did the diet, the supplements. Hell, we even did the negative ions and the hormones, my pH was about 4.5 and my husbands was about 7,  and some old wives’ tales. Timing was probably off (especially since I have NO idea when/if I ovulated!) but as it stands, we did 6 of the 7 sway methods so maybe–if I am pregnant–we tipped the scales an extra percentage, so we’re 1% likely to have a girl instead of 0% likely to have a girl  :p

If I am pregnant and it is another boy.. well.. I will have to deal with that. I will love the little one with all my heart and I won’t wish he was a girl–but I will be excited and eager for us to do IVF/PGD in 2012. I know that knowing that will keep me sane 🙂

Sick of me, yet?

You so should be! Honestly, we–well, I–waver on this whole thing like crazy. I think, if I could tell I was at least ovulating, it would be easier. As it is, though, I can’t see it. It’s just not happening.

So. If this month passes without a BFP (which, since I haven’t gotten anything but negatives since I started testing this week, isn’t going to happen. Especially since I’m cramping even more since last night, ugh!), we’re going to do IVF/PGD in November at Innovative Fertility Center.  Well–that’s the place for now. We’re going to reevaluate that closer to November. After af shows up again, though, we’re going to schedule our New Patient appointment 🙂 We’re both REALLY excited!

…Honestly, I started this post about 4 hours ago 🙂 I’m going to have to wait until I have more time!

I’m in a bad spot…

First, I have to say thank you to my husband for being so understanding and patient with me. Really–I couldn’t ask for more understanding partner or for one who–when he doesn’t understand–stands by me and tries so hard to help me make the decision that I will be most happy with for the rest of my life.

I’m really struggling, right now. In this whole experience, I’ve convinced myself that I would be 100% Ok with having another boy. I was even close to thinking that maybe–just maybe–I didn’t even really want to have a girl. Well, that all came crashing down about my ears today. While researching EGS of course I came across High Tech.. and I just.. I just had a meltdown. I guess I’m really not ready to try EGS because I’m not ready to have a boy again. I feel like this makes me a horrible person.

Maybe it does… my husband doesn’t think so. He’s in a healthier place than I am, though. He really is Ok with only having boys. Truly to the core. He would be happy with that, forever. I, on the other hand, am not. Without a doubt, if I were to have another boy, I would love him beyond all boundaries. I would cherish his every breath. He would be my “everything” and I would love him without hesitation. But what I would do is spend the rest of my life regretting that I never had a girl. I would never regret him, I would simply regret the hole that not having a daughter would leave in my heart. I hope that makes sense.

So at this point, I’m not even willing to try EGS. I am at such a loss. I’ve invested so much time and energy and even money in EGS–to not go through with it seems like such a horrible waste.. such a horrible thing. But I just.. can’t.

So now, I’m giving myself 6 months to somehow come up with the money for IVF/PGD. And if I don’t… well.. at least hopefully by then, I will be in a healthier place and able to accept that I might have another boy.

I will see, though… I may change my mind…