Dead beat.

I’m so drained. You’d think it wouldn’t hit me so hard… only having found out a short time ago. But it’s just… painful.

My husband thinks it was just a bit of spotting due to the celebratory sex we had. It was very light pink, watery and it didn’t last (and it wasn’t a constant “flow”–or a flow, at all, it was just like it was sitting there, waiting for me to wipe)

Because of the lateness of the BFPs and because of the near-constant (though not severe) cramps, I am not feeling as confident. Yes, I did get two BFPs.. and that’s something! But all of these factors combined do not inspire confidence 😦

He is hopeful. I wish I could be, too…

I don’t know. Just felt like posting. I need SOME sort of outlet that doesn’t  involve tears.

UGH

First off, I just realized that the dates of this blog are way off. Sigh. Well.. whatever.

Just 48 short hours after my first BFP (and 24 after my 2nd), I started spotting. I’m pretty sure this is just chemical at this point. The late BFPs… the cramps… ugh.

I’m a wreck. I’m crushed.

Yeah.. this means that IVF/PGD is back on… but damnit… this is.. this just plain sucks. I fell in love 48 hours ago.. and now.. now my little one is gone before [s]he even had a chance 😦

Ugh. I’m just destroyed. 😥

To make matters worse, my husband is asleep and I have no one to cry on 😦

Quick update…

As you are all aware–we’d decided on saving up for High Tech (IVF and PGD) to ensure that our next pregnancy would, in fact, be the girl we both are desperate for, since I am not 100% comfortable with EGS and even Microsort doesn’t have high enough odds for me.

Some things are changed–some are the same.

We’re still planning on IVF/PGD. But it’s been brought to my attention that trying again after an EGS attempt would be something to consider. The only thing is me. My husband would love to have 100 kids. I wouldn’t mind that, either–aside from the fact that I’m really not a fan of pregnancy (childbirth is different–that’s “easy”–pregnancy kicks my ass, though) He said that he’s really not as comfortable with IVF/PGD (the “extra” embryos) and that he would like to try with EGS first and, if it ends up giving us another boy, then without question, we would 100%, no questions asked do IVF/PGD as soon as we were able to after our 6th son was born.

I can’t see where I would really lose in that situation… aside from having to be pregnant one more time than I’d wanted to. I’d get another son, which would not be bad at all if I could be guaranteed a girl after him. (And hey–I’m the one who wanted twins–a boy and a girl ideally–so I’d get that.. sort of ;))

I realize I’m probably being sort of anti-feminist, my body, my choice, etc. etc. But his concern about the “extra” embryos is a very valid one to me. Mainly because it also is a concern for me–just to a lesser degree than it is to him. I would rather not have to go through all that (not even considering the monetary aspect–just all the shots and drugs etc. etc.)

So I’m going to think about it.

I’ll give it a week or two. I’m still on the diet (why, I do not know) and everything (just not taking supplements since I’m still having af visit urgh!), so we’d be able to “try” as soon as I ovulate again. I guess I just–at this stage–have to decide if having one more pregnancy or two for the comfort of our collective conscience verses the physical discomfort. I would like to figure it out before af stops… just to maximize everything and because I’d have to start taking the supplements as soon as she leaves.  I’m guessing I have 48 hours before she’s 100% gone… let’s hope I have come to a decision by them.

Thoughts?

Meh

So dear Aunt Flo is here. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised… or upset…

Yes, we did have unprotected sex twice (the 12th and 13th–but at that stage, I already knew I hadn’t ovulated so I knew there was absolutely zero chance for me to get pregnant)…

And I knew we stopped TTC for a bit (though good news, we’re going to start again as soon as my period goes away)…

But it still really sucks 😦

We’re going back on the supplements as soon as AF goes away. I’m supposed to ovulate–hypothetically–the 28th. Yeah. I’ll believe it when I see it. I’m trying to stay positive… but it’s just so hard to. 😦 I didn’t ovulate! June was perfect. Everything was lined up so perfectly! Now… now, it’s too late. It’s too late and things won’t line up as smoothly as they were lined up for the 12th for ages 😦

So let’s see where this “early” period will leave me.

  • I should be ovulating between June 28th and July 3rd.
  • June 28th, my biorythms line up nicely in “girl” territory, but leave there and go into “neutral” July 15th, at which point they move into “boy”.
  • June 28th, my husband’s neutral until July 3rd, short girl period until July 7th, then neutral again until July 19th where they’re “girl” for one day and swing directly back to neutral.
  • FULL MOON. Ugh. Boy swayer, right there. No idea when the next New Moon will coincide with my hypothetical ovulation. It’s too “all over the place”
  • It will be Summer (officially)
  • Sexwizard says Girl for conceptions from June 28th through July 16th.
  • Chinese Gender charts are in agreement with Sexwizard.

So I guess it could be worse… though the full moon really messes things up 😦 And this is, of course, assuming I ovulate at all. 😦

My husband is going to try really hard to abstain for 7 days prior to our attempts. And instead of just doing O+12, we’re going to be doing SU and TBM every day between the 28th and the 3rd.  This is going to be tricky–as we’re hypothetically moving that week… but we’re going to give it a shot. My husband abstaining is a HUGE deal. He never has. I joke that he hasn’t abstained for more than 12 hours since he hit puberty 😀 (and hey, it’s probably true! hahah) If he can actually pull it off, we will both be amazed 🙂 There’s really no pressure, though. If he can’t, he can’t–no big deal. Hopefully the SU/TBM will help tip the odds in our favor a little bit.

Ah. We’ll see. I really just kinda want to be pregnant at this point. Getting my period today was crushing–even though I knew it was impossible for me to be pregnant.

I guess getting it so “early” is a blessing–as we have another chance for June, now. I hope it works out.

Yep. Nothing.

No ovulation, no darker lines. Nothing.

I am a little more than crushed.

My biorythms are boy til July after tomorrow. And if I ovulate tomorrow, we can’t try tomorrow (unless it was in the AM which is highly unlikely to occur).

At this point, though, I’m so desperate to just be pregnant and be done with it all that I’m contemplating saying to hell with it, all. My body has betrayed me 😦 Or maybe it’s just a sign. Whatever the case, I’m frustrated and angry and tired 😦

The 12th is also my last fast day. At this point, if I don’t freaking ovulate tomorrow, I’m just going to go back on the stupid diet. Ugh. If I can’t rely on my body there’s no way I can gauge when I’m should start the fast. And I won’t do more than 7 days. So where the hell does that even leave me? It leaves me nowhere.

Yeah.. I’m feeling slightly defeated. But what can I do? If I don’t ovulate tomorrow morning, I’m done with fasting. If I don’t ovulate before the 15th, I’m done w/TTC for June.

So disappointed at this stage 😦